John Watson's Guide
by The Forgotten Nobody
Summary: John Watson's Guide to being best friends and living with a high functioning sociopathic consulting detective – AKA Sherlock Holmes.


_**I'm not sure if this has been done. If it has I did not intend to copy but I thought it would be fun to do! This was a way for me to relax from starting my A-Levels and also I doubt I will have time to do this in the future. (5 AS' FTW – if I don't die from work overload first. This was meant to be like one of John's Blogs and I've tried to fit it with the same format. Enjoy! **_

**John Watson's Guide to being best friends and living with a high functioning sociopathic consulting detective – AKA Sherlock Holmes. **

**16 ****September**

After many have you asked how I manage to keep living with and staying friends with Sherlock I decided to tell you. It's in the form of a guide so should you ever find yourself in the same or a similar situation as me, despite how unlikely that is, you know what to do.

**1. Slippers are your best friend. **

Apparently Sherlock knows all of the bones in the human body but the meaning of the word cleaning eludes him. It took me 3 acid burns on my feet to decide to buy the sturdiest pair of slippers available. Yes, they're helpful, but after two years I'm now on my 23rd pair. I'm considering giving Sherlock the bill considering it's his fault.

**2. Ear-plugs are also your best friend.**

There's no doubting Sherlock is an extraordinary violinist, the problem is, he only shows that side to his playing half the time. The other half is dedicated to screeches I can only compare with a cat in pain. Not only that, he chooses to play at god-awful hours in the morning. If you want a good night's sleep, make sure to buy ear plugs as soon as possible.

**3. When approached by a black car, do not automatically assume it's Mycroft. **

It's a bit embarrassing to get right into a kidnapper's car without question. Twice. I blame Mycroft entirely. Honestly, can't he just call like a normal person?

**4. But when it is, agree to spy on Sherlock and split the fee with said detective. **

Sherlock still won't let that one go. Apparently I cut them off from a 'beneficial financial support'. Well excuse me for having morals.

**5. Do not ask about the skull. **

The second day at Baker Street I did just that and trust me. You don't want to know.

**6. Do not ask Sherlock to buy food. **

I made that mistake about a week into my time at 221B Baker Street. Surely a man with that kind of brain could remember to pick up some milk and vegetables on his way home? Apparently not. Instead of picking up what I'd asked him, I instead came home to find a bag full of digestive biscuits, toothpaste and matches with Sherlock insisting he did intend to buy what I asked him but thought of an experiment and got side-tracked. I suppose I should be grateful he had at least picked up the milk before thinking of the experiment so I could still have my tea.

**7. If you think an experiment looks safe to move, it probably isn't. **

I'm no stranger to the mad experiments Sherlock can come up with and at one point I used to like to think I could identify a little bit about them. Like whether one could be considered safe, or at least safe to move away from the kitchen. I learnt fairly quickly that, that was not the case and any experiments should just be left to Sherlock's handling. Except for the body parts, I will not stand to have the smell of decomposing flesh in my kitchen.

If you want an example of this then image a glass sitting on the side of the counter filled with a dark green liquid. It isn't fizzing or bubbling or any of that, so you think it would be safe to move it away while you make a cup of tea. After all, it looks like the actual experiment itself has finished and it won't do any harm to just move it to the side. You would be wrong. At first movement the green liquid doesn't give any warning before it erupts upwards leaving half of it on the ceiling. Sherlock then comes in and starts to call you an idiot and informs you that you have ruined an important experiment and he will have to start all over again and it's your fault. Well, at least you now know not to touch it the next time.

I still haven't managed to get rid of the stain.

**8. Never, ever, and I can't stress this enough, **_**ever **_**bring a date home. You won't be seeing them again. **

I honestly can't tell you how many girlfriends I've lost thanks to Sherlock Holmes. If he isn't criticising their personality (I'm considering attempting to get the words 'dull' and 'boring' out of the English language), then he's insulting their appearance by deducing what they feel most insecure about. After the fourth slap, for some reason aimed at _me _and not that smug git, I decided that I would probably wait till me and my significant other were married before introducing them. At least then I could invoke that 'for better or worse' part in the vows.

I do have an extra point that doesn't match the title of this tip but is related none-the-less. When choosing a romantic partner make sure they will actually allow for the random times you will have to leave due to Sherlock's call. To all of you who would actually be able to ignore that, I credit you but for me, well, you know. Danger.

**9. Also, never allow your flatmate to meet your family members. Especially drunk ones. **

I'll just give you a snippet of how it went:

Harry: So, so you're that detective guy then that Johnny keeps goin' on about . That one who know everythin' just by lookin'.

Sherlock: That would be correct.

Harry: Well, go on then. _Deduce 'hic' me. _

Me: You really don't want him…

Sherlock: As you wish. Drunk alcoholic. 41 years old though alcoholism has made you look older. Lesbian with a failed marriage. You still love your partner, Clara, though you know she won't come back unless you stop drinking which you have tried and failed…about 8 times now I believe. Nasty habit of biting nails and you also have a habit of calling John every time you need some money after you spend all of yours on a drink. Frankly I'm not sure how he puts up with you. Would you like me to say more?

Harry: You, you prick. What right have you got to say that bout me. You don't know what my life's like. You know what? You deserve a good kick up the arse!

Me: Seriously Harry, that's enough…

Sherlock: Yes, after all, you did ask me to deduce you and I know everything I said it true. I fail to see the problem.

Me: Shut up Sherlock!

Harry: Right, that's it. I'll 'hic' show you!

I am never intervening between Harry and Sherlock again. Instead of giving Sherlock a 'kick' as she said, Harry instead went to give him a nasty right hook which I ended up taking when I tried to get between them. I refuse to allow them to meet again.

[P.S] Swear words have been taken out from Harry's part. My sister has a sailor's mouth.

**10. Never watch crime shows around him. In fact, just don't watch TV around him full stop. **

The one thing about having a consulting detective as a flat-mate is that they will tell you the ending to a crime programme 5 minutes into it. If they don't, they will then proceed to criticise the poor directing of the show and complain for a good few hours while you try and fail to drown him out.

Now, despite my TV knowledge actually becoming useful during a case, Sherlock still can't stand any form of television except the news and the occasional documentary. If at any point I'm watching a show that isn't one of those he will moan about how he fails to understand why people want to watch said 'mundane, tedious and positively mind-numbing' show. I have yet to watch a full episode of Doctor Who without him explaining why the TARDIS is a ludicrous idea and how it is an entirely impossible concept and is therefore not worth watching.

**11. Try to never allow him to see a culprit alone. **

For some reason, Sherlock likes to think he's indestructible, even though countless (though thankfully minor) injuries have proven otherwise. It is because of this that when Sherlock realises who the culprit of the crime is he will go off without telling anyone where he is going if he happens to be alone. Sure, he will call Lestrade but that generally happens _after _the injuries. As you all know, Sherlock's deductions have got him in a fair bit of trouble of the time and he does not stop just because the person he is deducting is a dangerous criminal. In fact, if anything, they get worse as Sherlock at that point will be exceedingly smug and eager to show off. As you can probably guess, the criminals don't really like that and in most cases either react in fear and then violence, or just violence straight away.

Since I once came home to find Sherlock nursing a split lip and pressing a hand against bruised ribs I've tried to get him to agree to never going after a culprit without at least telling someone. Most of the time he will send a text – albeit a short one- to either myself or Lestrade but there are the occasions that he gets so wrapped up and forgets. It's for this reason that whenever a case looks close to finishing I make sure to constantly text Sherlock to make sure he's not in a dangerous situation. I know Sherlock isn't some helpless person, but at the same time I don't think the world, or I, could afford to lose him.

**12. If you know a child who is adopted and doesn't know, don't let Sherlock near them. **

Speaks for itself really, doesn't it?

**13. Don't trust Sherlock to cook for you. **

When Sherlock once asked me what I wanted for my birthday (he said it was a formality to ask) I jokingly said I wanted him to cook. Unfortunately, Sherlock sometimes has a difficult time understanding what's a joke and what isn't and so for my birthday Sherlock attempted to cook an Indian – trying to make a home-made version of the take-away we often get. I tried to talk him out of it, having never seen Sherlock cook anything before and wondering how a man who hated food would actually know how to cook but Sherlock was determined. In his mind cooking = chemistry and while yes, there is a link, there are differences.

I'm not really sure if what Sherlock made could be called food. One mouthful and my mouth felt like it was on fire. Sherlock had put far, far too much chilli in and a variety of spices that did _not _go well together. The chicken was white on the outside but still pink in the middle and instead of being a nice yellow-brown colour it looked a little bit like mud. I tried another bite, after all, Sherlock _had _done his best, but I literally couldn't eat it. Sherlock understood though he did seem a bit put-out. However, out of all of this, the meal itself wasn't the most concerning thing.

What was concerning was that Sherlock- the man who barely liked any type of food- didn't seem to have any problem eating it and even had a bit of mine when he'd finished.

**14. Keep Sherlock as far away from Anderson as possible.**

While I will admit Anderson is a git and deserves anything Sherlock says to him, it wastes time watching them bicker and it becomes even worse when Donovan gets involved. It also irritates me when they treat Sherlock like he isn't human which makes me want to get involved and the next thing you know Lestrade is reprimanding all of us like we're school children and the crime scene still hasn't been inspected yet. In Sherlock's words – it's tedious.

**15. Tell Sherlock when you're impressed. **

I know you may be thinking 'he doesn't need his ego boosted any more than it already is' but the truth is that Sherlock is rarely complimented and while it may not seem like it's appreciated, you can see that his eyes light up and it does mean something to him.

**16. Don't expect Sherlock to change for you. **

Sherlock is unique. There's not really any other way to put it. To expect him to act any differently for you would only end in him resenting you. It's why a lot of people aren't actually able to live with him. Sherlock's mind is different to other people and it's what makes him Sherlock. Sure, it would be nice if he did a little more cleaning and kept body parts out of the fridge but over-all Sherlock is who he is, and people should accept him for that.

**17. Allow him to change in his own time. **

Since I met Sherlock there have been obvious differences. He rarely leaves me at crime scenes now, something he did often at the beginning of our friendship. Sherlock's also become more tolerant of 'small talk' and will occasionally ask me how my day at work went. He even sometimes has a take away ready if I get home particularly late and I can't remember the last time he had a cigarette.

**18. Don't believe him when he says he's a sociopath. **

If there's one thing I do know for sure, it's that for all Sherlock says he is a sociopath and doesn't care about anything or anyone, he really does have a heart. He does care about people, me, Mrs Hudson, Lestrade, Molly and even Mycroft. Sure he may not show it but when it really matters you'll know. You can even see it when he plays the violin, there is no denying the emotion he conveys through the music (when he's actually playing a proper piece that is). I know Sherlock's going to kill me for saying all of this but it's the truth. No matter what he says, Sherlock Holmes is not a sociopath.

So there you have it really. Excuse me getting a bit sentimental at the end but I thought it finished it off nicely. On a lighter note - Sherlock, if you're reading this, which you probably are, get the entrails out of the bath now or I'm giving the skull to Mrs Hudson. I refuse to have body parts in the bloody bathroom!

_End Blog_

You were correct John, the ending was incredibly sentimental and I believe it should be removed as soon as possible. I feel I should add I do _not _care for Mycroft. Remember upon first meeting he called himself my arch-enemy? That has not been altered. Also, my eyes do not 'light up' as you so ineloquently put it when you compliment me and I do not have a large ego – it's not my fault I am superior to most of humanity. And please, that adoption comment is ridiculous. It was one time and don't children deserve to know the truth? The child didn't cry for _that _long. There are many more things I could argue but I do not feel it worth the effort as I know for a fact you will, for some reason, be laughing as you read this. As for the entrails, I shall remove them this evening and no this is not an example of how I have 'changed'. I merely want to have a shower and find their presence a hindrance.

**Sherlock Holmes**** 16 September 19:07**


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